Life Among the Gifted

I’m writing this on Mother’s Day, a week late due to a Disneyland trip, two emergency vet visits, and a major flood in our kitchen due to a burst pipe. I’ve recovered enough to enjoy a day of reflection and happiness that I can celebrate this day as a Mom. We tried for fifteen years to have a baby. I never believed it would happen; but after three years of intensive infertility treatments (which are more expensive than a daily crack habit) we got two for the price of one.

My daughter jumped into bed this morning, hugged me tight and wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. She has been super affectionate and loving today. She gave me a handmade coupon for a “movie out with a friend,” helped her Dad and our next door neighbors put on a lovely Mother’s Day meal (complete with a cool table centerpiece made of little animal moms and babies), and took over many chores so I had time to read, relax, and even take a nap. She is a lovely child.

My son did not wish me Happy Mother’s Day, give me anything, hug me, or give me any extra help (in fact he had to be forced to help his sister clear the table.) What he did was spend half the day creating a special Game of Life pattern to show me, follow me around the house telling me all about his best Scrabble words, most interesting 4-D theories, and recent math formulas (completely oblivious to the fact that I was trying to read and relax.) But every moment he sat by me talking non-stop and tapping a pattern on my leg, I was filled with happiness. This complicated boy is also a lovely child.

My husband put their birth picture as wall paper on the computer today. I am looking at that moment and remembering how I was hoping and praying they would be okay. After a risky, frightening, hospitalized pregnancy, they were finally here. My son is scrunched up, eyes tightly shut, and obviously trying to avoid this new loud, bright place. My daughter (all three pounds of her) is wide-eyed and taking in the sight of this exciting outside world. That snapshot captured their personalities pretty accurately. My son is still cautious and prefers to avoid the outside world. He loves his little boy-cave cocoon, the safety of his home, and the loving protection of his family. My daughter can’t wait to get out into the world, commune with everyone she meets, and experience LIFE.

Here we are ten years later, time has simply evaporated. I can’t believe we have already been parents for a decade! As I watch my half grown children mature into unique individuals, I think the world is lucky to have them. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I am grateful every day for the chance to experience life with my kids.

My son can, and does, talk about math for hours. Hiking through the woods he will discuss the Fibonacci sequence versus the Lucas sequence in nature. Driving in the car he will lecture on speed and velocity. While fixing dinner I get quizzed on prime factorization. Math is what turns him on. Out of love for my son and respect for his passion, I make sincere efforts to participate. My son is good at explaining what he is thinking and calculating, so I can usually follow his basic train of thought. But at some point, as I struggle to keep up my end of the conversation, I invariably experience brain freeze.

It is an understatement to say that I have an aversion to math. I know that somewhere in me is the ability to understand and love math, but it was drilled out of me in school. I have bad memories associated with math. I was not able to keep up in math. I just didn’t understand most of it, no matter how many times it was explained. The fear stays with me to this day. As I embark on my doctoral program, I am not the least bit intimidated at the idea of writing hundreds of pages of dissertation; but I am terrified of taking the requisite statistics class.

My husband is more comfortable with math and can generally hold up his end of the conversation better than I can. However, when our son launches into his understanding of some recent math theory he’s reading about, it goes over my husband’s head too. A few years ago, we realized that we needed help.

That’s when our Super Math Shero swooped in to save the day! By a true stroke of luck, we found Professor Sue VanHattum through a homeschool network. About two years ago we heard of a monthly math salon and decided to check it out. We arrived at Sue’s house to find all sorts of cool math games and activities laid out, yummy snacks, and a warm and welcoming host. My son immediately began to play, explore, and talk. He warmed right up to Sue. He was among his people.

After a couple of math salons, I could see that Sue would be the perfect math mentor for my son. She was comfortable with his free flowing learning style, shared his passion for math, and was fun to be around. I asked her if she might be interested in tutoring my son. She happily agreed and a wonderful partnership was formed.

It is a joy to watch her interact with my son. When he is doing math with Sue, he is lit from within. I am humbled and amazed to see her kindness and skill in teaching my son how to apply his knowledge and test his theories. She gets him to let go of his perfectionism, to challenge his thinking, and to find elegant solutions. Sue calls him Professor Hayes and truly treats him as an equal math mind. My son loves her. I love her! Thank you Professor VanHattum, you are a true friend and mentor.

Sue’s wonderfully fun and highly informative blog can be seen at
www.mathmamawrites.blogspot.com

About a year ago, my daughter and I created what she called a “dream board.” She wanted to make a collage, so we went to the library and got armfuls of random magazines from their free stacks. It was cold and rainy, so later that day I curled up by the fire with her and began to leaf through those magazines. We pulled out pictures of everything that struck our fancy. We weren’t looking for anything specific, just chatting and cutting, and as the afternoon wore on our stacks grew pretty deep. When we laid out all the pictures for the collage, I began to see that these pictures represented more than just what we thought was funny, beautiful, or interesting. These pictures provided insight into our deepest passions, hopes, and dreams. We had inadvertently created a great tool to add to my life coaching repertoire.

I often have to utilize life coaching skills in my professional practice. Many gifted kids are extremely talented in several areas, which can make it hard to choose which talent to pursue professionally. When I am working with middle and high school aged clients, I am often asked to help them identify where to focus their educational efforts. When I meet with these clients, I work to help them uncover their authentic self. I use various tools that are designed to utilize both sides of the brain and help them make discoveries and connections.

I have conducted brainstorming sessions where we roll out long sheets of butcher paper and write down everything they have done, love to do, or plan to do, and then try to find connections between those items. We circle and color code items, draw lines between ideas, elaborate on original thoughts, and eventually a pattern emerges. Sometimes the results are surprising. We find connections that allow them to combine their passions or links that lead them to a new way of thinking about their future.

Another approach is to interview them about how they spend their free time, what types of books they read for fun, which movies and TV programs they watch. I ask them questions: What would you do if you had a windfall of cash? What do your friends like about you? What is easy/hard for you? If you could change anything about your life, what would it be? What are your pet peeves? What do your value? If you could go anywhere, do anything, what would you do? What do you think needs to be changed in your community?

Sometimes I push them out of their comfort zone. I might have a left brain thinker draw a five line self portrait or write a 10 sentence story of their lives. I might have an artistic right brain thinker make a sequential list or graph their activities. I might put them into an imaginary parallel universe that doesn’t have any limitations and ask them to rethink their life. When our sessions are finished, my clients often make insightful discoveries about who they really are and what they truly want out of life.

When we have finished our brainstorming sessions, we put together a plan to take classes, pursue apprenticeships, find mentors, and gain experience. I have seen kids go from barely motivated to racing out the door, once they figure out what they want to do and what it will take to get it done. The key is to help them figure it out for themselves. This is one of those decisions that needs to come from the soul. It requires them to sift through a great deal of daily life clutter to get there. They have to be free to separate their own desires from those of their parents. They have to learn to be their own life coach.

We all want our children to discover and safely navigate their path to a happy life. While this is our ultimate goal, we sometimes lose sight of it along the way. We are bogged down by the minutia of daily life. We have to make endless decisions and deal with the repercussion of those decisions. Work and money issues cloud our view. Pressures from family, school, or society put us off track. We forget that we eventually have to let go. Many of us have had to put our own passions on hold. We may have even lost touch with what really makes us happy. Consequently, we don’t always provide a good role model of how to follow our dreams.

The ultimate result of my off-the-cuff dream board session with my daughter was my application and acceptance into a doctoral program. My passion for education is reignited, my desire to be a social entrepreneur is refocused, and my daughter has a mother who is still engaged in making and meeting life goals. If you want to help your child discover their own possibilities, first take some time to reconnect with your own. Then put on your life coaching hat and watch the wonders emerge.

In the spirit of getting the most out of our shiny new year, I would like to share some wisdom from Dr. Robert Sternberg, eminent psychologist and expert on giftedness. In his book, “Successful Intelligence: How Practical and Creative Intelligence Determine Success in Life.” Dr. Sternberg lists twenty characteristics and attributes that successful, intelligent people share. I have paraphrased his list below:

1. Successful people are self motivated, even if their environment doesn’t provide many external motivators. Parents often make mistakes in trying to motivate their children. They push too hard, do too much for them, or try to steer them down paths that more closely resemble the parents’ dreams.
2. Successful people learn to channel their impulses into productive problem solving and decision making. Those of us who live with gifted children often wonder if our children will ever learn to control their impulses; but with continued practice and first-hand consequences, they can learn to think before they act.
3. Successful people know when to persevere. They have learned when it is prudent to try, try, again and when to cut their losses and look for another solution.
4. Successful people know how to make the best of their abilities. They can make an honest self-appraisal, acknowledge their weaknesses, and capitalize on their strengths and passions.
5. Successful people act on their ideas and they aren’t afraid of hard work. Thomas Edison said, “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration… Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
6. Successful people are product oriented. Our schools use a consumer model for the majority of instruction. Students spend their days consuming prepared information and produce work that simply proves they have consumed the expected information. Although most of our society is equally consumer oriented, successful people focus on producing rather than consuming.
7. Successful people follow through. They break big projects into manageable tasks and finish each task until the whole project is complete.  
8. Successful people are initiators. They don’t wait to be told what needs to be done. They look for opportunities, they make things happen, they build relationships, and they act on possibilities.
9. Successful people are not afraid of failure. They realize that failure is an integral part of ultimate success.
10. Successful people don’t procrastinate. They learn to manage their time to ensure things get done and done well.
11. Successful people accept fair blame for their actions. They step up to the plate and take responsibility for their mistakes; but also know how to stand up for themselves when they are unfairly blamed.
12. Successful people don’t feel sorry for themselves. If they feel they have been wronged, they try to remedy the situation, not wallow in self pity.
13. Successful people are independent. They rely primarily on themselves. As my husband’s Grandma used to say, “The best helping hand is at the end of  your own arm.”
14. Successful people surmount personal difficulties. They keep life in perspective and realize that everyone has problems. Overcoming problems is part of life.
15. Successful people focus on their goals. They concentrate on what needs to be done and create the circumstances needed to achieve their goals.
16. Successful people don’t spread themselves too thin. They have a good idea of how much they can take on at any given time and still be successful.
17. Successful people can delay gratification. They don’t need short term rewards to see the big picture and they can wait a long time, if needs be, for their ultimate reward.
18. Successful people see the big picture. They can see the forest and the trees. They can focus on the details without losing sight of the ultimate goal.
19. Successful people have a reasonable level of self confidence. They know what they can and can’t do. They aren’t afraid to say what they can take on or when they need help.
20. Successful people balance their analytical, creative, and practical thinking. They adapt their thinking in each situation to best utilize their whole brain.

We all want our children to achieve their full potential and I believe Dr. Sternberg has given us a comprehensive list of what it takes to turn potential into reality. Here’s wishing all of you a happy, healthy, and successful New Year.

My son hates Christmas. Not in a selfish, Scrooge-like way, but in an I-can’t-stand-the-consumerism kind of way. Year after year he repeatedly asks us not to give him anything. We have really pared down, but can’t quite stand to give his sister presents while buying nothing for him. He is steadfast however, and the few presents we buy sit unopened under the tree. He removes himself from celebrations and refuses to be sucked into the seasonal hype.

Christmas is not singled out. He also hates Valentine’s Day (stupid excuse to buy junk) and St. Patrick’s Day (stupid excuse to get drunk). Easter holds no appeal. The egg hunt was wasted on him. While everyone else hunted for eggs, he chucked the basket and went off to investigate how the water fountain worked.

How about Fourth of July? Too dangerous, too loud. The first time we bought “safe and legal” fireworks, he got hysterical and tried to pull his twin sister away from where we were lighting them. He was screaming in panic and she was screaming at him for pulling her away. A whole different kind of fireworks happened that night.

Halloween? He refused to wear a costume and wondered why we would support a holiday that encourages kids to go around begging candy from strangers. The only costume he ever willingly put on was his Captain Underpants costume. He was going through a Captain Underpants phase and while he wouldn’t wear it for trick or treating, he wore it everywhere else for weeks.

I thought he might accept Thanksgiving. What could be wrong with gathering your family, being thankful, and eating a meal together? In a word, excess. He hates the burgeoning table, when so many world-wide go hungry. He hates that a living creature has been reduced to the centerpiece of a meal.

This year he finally agreed to join us for dinner. He put some yams, bread, and broccoli on his plate and we began to eat. It seemed like we might have a congenial meal together. Then someone gave the dog a bit of turkey and said, “This is a day for all creatures to be thankful.” To which my son replied, “What about the turkey? It’s a creature and I don’t think it’s very thankful.” I looked at the carcass of what was once a happy, free range, organic Diestel turkey and sighed. Somehow this carefully prepared, highly anticipated dinner wasn’t going to taste as good as I had hoped.

So here we are back to Christmas again. As I look at my daughter’s very long list, I feel the stress begin to creep across my shoulders. What can we buy him that he might actually use, that allows us to feel like he had a Christmas, but will still honor his wishes? We are not crass consumers; our Christmas is usually modest. Each year we spend a good portion of our Christmas money on a charity that each child gets to choose. Despite everything, I just can’t quite bring myself to get him nothing at all.

I’m mulling it all over when he walks into the room and hands me a paper. On it he has written a website address. He informs me that he would like the V-tech 5×5, 6×6, and 7×7 Rubik’s cube set for Christmas! I am stunned. I recover and tell him thanks for giving me his Christmas list and he skips out of the room. A big grin spreads over my face. My son is doing something so normal for a nine year old boy. I’m really, really happy! Maybe our holidays might start to resemble my fond childhood memories after all.

Then my son pokes his head back in the door and says, “Mom, I want to have those Rubik’s cubes as soon as UPS delivers them. I think it is stupid to hide them and wrap them up and make me wait till Christmas morning to open them.” Sigh…

In recent weeks there has been a lot of media coverage of how broken our schools are and what we should do about it. The movie, Waiting for Superman, came out recently and provides a scathing view of our schools. The Today Show and Oprah featured educational topics for an entire week. Multiple newspapers, magazines, and broadcasts are featuring education as our latest hot topic. Obama has come out with plans for “Race to the Top” funding, even though he acknowledges that the problems in our educational system cannot be solved with money alone. According to Time magazine’s September 20, 2010 issue, there hasn’t been any real change in academic performance over the last 30 years, despite a 123% increase in per-pupil spending and a reduction in average class size from 22:1 in 1970 to 15:1 in 2007. Why not?

Some of the comments I have heard and read over the past few weeks talk about poor teaching, dismal facilities, low expectations, lack of funding, inadequate materials, and lack of student motivation as basic problems we need to overcome. Some of the solutions offered range from longer school days/years, better teacher qualification standards, more focus on math and science, more parent participation, and more student commitment. Most of these are not new ideas. They have been recycled for many years and haven’t yet offered a solution. I don’t see a willingness to scrap the old way of doing things and figure out how to move education into the future.

We have a world of information at our fingertips; yet our school districts are still paying millions each year to textbook publishers. We have sound research on how children learn; yet the majority of teaching doesn’t incorporate that research. We say teaching is one of our most important professions, but we underpay and disrespect those doing the work. We know that students have multiple learning styles; yet our curriculum is designed primarily for auditory learners. We understand how integral play is to whole brain learning; yet a playful approach to learning has been sacrificed to the testing mania. There is a great need for people who are specialists in their fields; yet we continue to produce generalists with our general education model.

Has anyone bothered to ask the children what they want? What they need to succeed? I would imagine their answers would differ greatly from the majority of the solutions proposed by the top level education experts across our country. Why can’t we support children in discovering their individual passions, in staying true to their authentic selves? Why can’t our schools offer an individualized approach to learning? Technology has rapidly outpaced current learning models and has the potential to offer individualized learning to each and every student across our nation. Teachers could harness the power of the internet to mentor their students and facilitate learning that might actually prepare them for something they want to do in their adult life.

Sir Ken Robinson has said that our current educational system is modeled on the fast food industry. I agree, it is highly standardized, has a limited menu, the food has little connection to where it came from, and a steady diet will kill you (or at least your love of learning.) It focuses on a student’s weaknesses, rather than on their strengths. It teaches to the test; which forces teachers to cover so much material that students don’t obtain true understanding of what or why, just how to regurgitate memorized facts. This model is more about grades than learning. It dislocates students from their natural talents and abilities. It leaves little time for creativity (for both teachers and students.) Children who have diverse, specialized needs simply cannot thrive and achieve their full potential (socially, emotionally, or intellectually) in this environment.

We need a dynamic, individualized learning model, something more like the slow food movement. It should be diverse and ever changing, your menu would match your individual tastes, there would be a direct connection to the food source, and a steady diet would enrich your (intellectual) health. For gifted children, this may be the only learning model that works.

There are some private and charter schools that are providing a dynamic learning experience for their students, but the place it is seen most often is in homeschooling. When people find out we are homeschoolers, I hear questions like, “What about the STAR test? What about demonstrating mastery of the curriculum? What about their socialization?” Statistically speaking, homeschooled children score significantly higher on standardized tests than their traditionally schooled peers. Most of them are schooled by parents who don’t hold a teaching credential, yet they learn and retain more information than many of those taught by professional teachers. They tend to be better at empathizing and socializing outside their age group than the average instutionalized schooler. Is it any wonder that homeschooling is growing at such a rapid pace? Children and their parents are discovering that you can do amazing things when you get to do what you love.

Children often exceed our expectations when they get to have a say in how, when, where, and what they learn. Homeschooling is creating deep thinking, passionate learners. Universities are beginning to recognize the value of these homeschooled kids. They have a great deal of real world experience in a subject they love. They are intrinsically motivated and have experience in higher level thinking, creating, and producing. They know how to do research and can take a project from concept to completion. I read recently that Stanford accepts a greater percentage of homeschoolers than traditionally educated students each year. They understand that the best students are those who know how to think critically and work passionately.

But this free learning environment comes at a price. As a homeschooling parent, I can tell you that it is a time consuming, energy consuming, and money consuming occupation. Most of the homeschooling parents I meet went into homeschooling by default; there just wasn’t anything else out there that would meet their child’s needs. This isn’t right. We homeschooling parents pay our taxes too. Where is the fair and appropriate education for our kids? Why is our school system so rigid that it can’t adapt to meet the needs of all our children? Why can’t we create schools where all children are free to learn as they see fit? Why do we continually underestimate what our kids can do?

Kids can and do learn a great deal without direct adult instruction. I recently heard a TED talk by Sugata Mitra about his Hole in the Wall project http://www.ted.com/search?q=hole+in+the+wall+project. He set up computers across a large number of rural villages in India and left them there for anyone to explore. He then regularly visited the sites where his computers were installed and found that, even in villages where everyone was illiterate, the children could teach themselves how to use the computer and access the internet. He found that after only a month or two, these children could read and understand basic computer commands. When he visited the villages after a few months, many of the children were power users and were requesting faster, better computers. He observed that, “an environment that stimulates curiosity can cause learning through self-instruction and peer-shared knowledge.”

Is it really so difficult to be truly visionary when looking at how to educate our children? Can’t we find a way to foster individual interests and potential? To respect children’s right to pursue their passions? Give them time to play and create? Help them explore and discover their talents? Support their belief that they can be anything? Let them do meaningful work? Connect them to the world outside the classroom walls? I think we can. The key to successful schools is to fill them with motivated learners. All great learning develops naturally from authentic questions and ideas. Kids want to learn, but they have to see real value in what they are doing. We need to include kids as trusted equal partners in their own learning. We need to let kids dream of what they can be and then give them the power to achieve it.

My son is obsessed with the Teletubbies. He wasn’t always that way, in fact, back when he actually watched the Teletubbies; he could take them or leave them. I wasn’t too crazy about them when they came out either. Why would they make a kids show with characters who had a TV in their stomachs, were unintelligible, and frankly irritating to watch? I thought we were done with them when the show went off the air and they retired to a box under my son’s bed. Then, like a bad penny, they returned. During one of my recent organizing efforts, we found the Teletubbies among the junk under his bed. Dylan pulled them out, dusted them off, and put them on his bed. The next day he started to talk about the Teletubbies. He said that he had gone on the Teletubby website and read all about the Teletubbies. He reported that he had read the parent information pages and the program was designed to develop language through playing with sounds (so that’s why they say “eh-oh” for “hello”!) He researched how long the show ran, what countries it was broadcast in, and how many episodes were created. He downloaded and watched every episode, sometimes in several languages.

Conversations with Dylan became centered around the Teletubbies. He refused to get up unless you greeted him in Teletubbian. He had us watch episodes he found on Youtube. He asked us Teletubby trivia questions. He quizzed us on the names and characteristics of each Teletubby. Teletubbies became the focus of his days. Grandma, who usually withheld comments about my parenting or my children’s choices, began to wonder about the depth of Dylan’s interest. One day she couldn’t help herself and asked, “Isn’t he too old for Teletubbies?” I have to admit, I had my worries too; but for the most part, we all indulged Dylan’s new obsession and tried not to admit that it seemed a bit weird.

After about a month of playing with Teletubbies, Dylan began to say he was the Teletubby’s Dad. He identified with the fatherly voice at the end of each episode that tells the Teletubbies it is time to go to bed. Dylan began to put the Teletubbies to bed each night and get them up every morning. He sat them in front of his computer and played Teletubby episodes for them. He made them a car and a bed out of cardboard. He began to take them with him where ever we went. For example, on a recent outing to the Lawrence Hall of Science, the Teletubbies came with us and participated in all of the workshops and activities. I saw a few raised eyebrows from the teenage volunteers at the sight of this nearly five foot tall boy (who looks about 12) playing with and caring earnestly for his Teletubbies.

Dylan has never demonstrated much of an awareness of other’s emotions, initiated hugs or kisses, or seemed too concerned with other people’s feelings. Much of this behavior has to do with his sensory issues, so I have focused on empathy training and social development from the time he was very young. While I have seen incremental growth in this area, I’ve learned not to expect too much response to my efforts. So I got a pleasant surprise the other day. One of Dylan’s friends was having a meltdown (which usually makes Dylan run the other way) and while I was trying to comfort him, Dylan came over and gave him a gentle hug. A few days later he threw his arms around me and gave me a spontaneous hug. The next night when I kissed him goodnight he didn’t vigorously scrub the spot where I had kissed him. Then he told his sister that he loved her. A few days later I was sitting at the table trying to roll the kinks out of my neck and I felt a little hand rubbing my shoulders. I turned, expecting to see my daughter, and was surprised to see my son. “Are you okay Mommy?” he asked. (This is the same boy that demanded I play with him, completely oblivious to my tears over my Mom, and said he was mad at me when I told him I was too sad to play.) I turned to him and said, “I’m kind of tired tonight, I’ve had a rough week.” To which he replied, “I’ll help you Mommy,” and started to rub my shoulders. Wow! Something was happening! He seemed to be experiencing rapid growth in his emotional and social awareness.

As I hugged him tight a light bulb went off in my head. He is just now at the stage where he is emulating his Dad, pretending to be a parent, and experimenting with role play – all of which are necessary steps in developing healthy emotional and social behavior. I knew he was developmentally behind his age in those areas, his asynchronous development is acknowledged and supported here at home; but I had just not realized how large the gap was until the Teletubbies came into play. As I thought back over the last few months, it all fell into place. I shouldn’t have been surprised that this developmental stage happened at nine, he was still saying he wanted to marry me when he was seven. I don’t know why it took so long to click into place; but once it did, I felt such a deep sense of gratitude that I had not done anything to discourage his playing with the Teletubbies. Until now, I had not recognized how important to his emotional health and future social standing this past few months’ play has been. The Teletubbies have been pivotal in helping my son begin to recognize his feelings, empathize with others, and demonstrate his affection. So I take it all back! Here’s to you Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po…I owe you all a “BIG HUG, BIG HUG, BIG HUG!”

Ahhhh, vacation. Rhymes with relaxation, rejuvenation or…frustration, alienation. Prying your son’s fingers off the doorway and dragging him screaming through the lobby of a four star hotel does not endear you to the staff or fellow guests. We don’t often stay in four star hotels, but a couple of years ago a dear person gave us a weekend at the Four Seasons. We were understandably excited to experience a few days of posh R and R. We carefully prepared our son for the upcoming trip. We showed him pictures of the hotel online, we played “hotel” at home, we talked about all the cool things there were to see in the area. We even drove there virtually on Google maps. All in an attempt to give him a preview, reduce the scariness of the unknown, and hopefully ensure a smooth transition. All to no avail, the minute we stepped into the lobby he froze, cocked his head for about two seconds, and then ran out the door. After we had wrestled him to our room, hog-tied him to the bed, and calmed him down, we found out that the buzz of the lights in the lobby freaked him out. Nevermind, that you would have to have a dog’s ears to hear the buzz, it was enough to set him off. We were okay as long as we stayed in the room, but if we ventured out the freak-out’s ensued. Needless to say, we didn’t get to enjoy many of the amenities outside our room, but we did enjoy the room service.

Our vacations require masterful planning, unending patience, and lots of time for preparation. We wanted to go camping in Yosemite a few summers ago, so we erected the tent in our back yard a month prior to the planned trip. At first our son would not even go into the back yard. Eventually his desire to swing overcame his aversion; he would stand at the back door psyching himself up and then run in a panic past the tent looking like he expected it to swallow him up at any moment. After the first week he could calmly go into the yard, but continued to give the tent a wide berth. Meanwhile, his sister had been using it as her own personal campground and she and her Dad had already had a campout. This ultimately proved be helpful, because being his twin, she cuts him no slack and refuses to be sensitive to his “weirdness.” One day as he walked innocently by, she hi-jacked him and pulled him into the tent. She was not expecting the human whirlwind that erupted, flinging her aside, and nearly pulling down the tent in his exit. While the immediate result was painful for all of us, over the next few days he did agree to willingly put his head through the door and look into the tent. Then he was willing to sit outside the tent and listen to me read to our daughter inside the tent. Finally, he sat in the tent to hear a story. After many stories, he eventually spent the night in the tent and we were ready to go camping…until he found out that we were going to MOVE the tent SOMEWHERE ELSE!

The first trip we took that required flying found my son researching the safety of flying, which planes were least likely to crash, where to sit in the plane to have the best chance of surviving a crash, statistics on how and why planes crash and on and on. By the time he was done, I was a nervous wreck and haven’t been able to enjoy flying much since then.

Yet, every year hope springs eternal. This summer we rented an RV to see the wilds of Canada and take in a family reunion. I figured it was a good move since he would have the consistency of his “room” traveling with him. We did all our normal preparation, even letting him help select the model of RV we rented. When we took possession of the RV he brought all his books and special things to set up his own home-away-from-home in the bunk over the cab. He thought it was really cool that we had our own traveling bathroom and that you could actually use the restroom while driving. He seemed to be settling in nicely, was happy with his little space, and excited to see the places we had mapped out on our itinerary. Then he found the instruction manual provided by the RV rental place. He spent the first two hours of our journey reading it cover to cover. The next few hours were spent checking the equipment, the panels, and quizzing us on what to do in various situations. I guess my husband and I didn’t pass the quiz, because for the entire trip our son harassed us about our lack of proper knowledge and conduct with the RV. It was like traveling with a bossy, annoying father-in-law, who thinks you are an idiot that can’t do anything right. I look forward to the day when he is old enough to actually take over those duties rather than nag us about it. Maybe then I could have a relaxing RV holiday.

I keep trying new vacation ideas and telling myself that these life lessons are important, that someday he will thank me for them, and that eventually he will learn to enjoy travel. In the meantime, I will continue to grit my teeth and pay through the nose for trips that take weeks to recover from. On second thought, maybe I will take my adventurous, fun-loving, ever-so-adaptable daughter on a “girl’s-only” get away next year.